I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
