he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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