Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
