Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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