I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
