it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
where are my eyebrows?
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