I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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