you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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