video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I had to cum in my sink.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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