Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
How does it feel to date your dad?
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