you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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