Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
