Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
