good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
