I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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