ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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