i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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