So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
