Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
