how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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