During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
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