Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
