i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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