mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
