just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
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