I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
