Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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