nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I touched a dick in church today
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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