She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize