i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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