Ambien. No doubt about it.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
