Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
