I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
