Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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