How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
