Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
