Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
