she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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