Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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