I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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