I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the condom got lost in my hair
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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