we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
