I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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