Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
