Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
