He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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