Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
