I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize