it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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