Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
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