Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
