then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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