saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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