Just fell off a train. Bad.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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