Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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