Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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