We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
