i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
