you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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