The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
