her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
