My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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