the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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